I am a kitten killer.

This has been an interesting couple of weeks for me.  And a theme seems to be reappearing in a lot of my conversations.  It's like God is trying to specifically teach me something by letting the subject matter keep playing in my mind, in conversations, and in what I am reading and hearing.

This theme is IDENTITY.

I have been passionate about this subject for a long time now.  And God keeps bringing me back to it.  Where does my identity come from?  Who am I?  Why is it so difficult to live like I actually believe what God says about me? 
And I see the struggle in people I love as well.  Specifically I see myself and other girls finding their identity in a relationship (husband, boyfriend, best friend or children), clothing, their weight, their job or in what they've done in their past.   Side note: I know guys struggle with identity too but since I am not a guy and I am most definitely a girl, I will speak from a girl's perspective.

I believe the main problem is that we, many times unknowingly, believe lies.  Satan does not want us to believe who God says we are.  I mean if we actually believed that God loved us unconditionally, that as believers we are righteous in His eyes, holy and blameless without fault, forgiven, beautiful, made as an image bearer etc.  we would be a force to be reckoned with in terms of furthering the Kingdom.  And Satan wants to stop that.  He wants to make us think we are to find our identity in what we do or what we have or the company we keep.  And so he feeds us lies and unfortunately we believe them.  They are lies that come from comparison and discontent and a need to feel loved and appreciated.  And when my identity isn't in Christ it creates this horrible cycle where I feel overwhelmed, lost, unloved, unappreciated, and discontent.

Here is where I try to find my identity:
I am a wife. I am a mom. I am a photographer. I am a singer.  I am a teacher.  I am a leader. I am a worship pastor's wife.  I have a house. I drive an older 4 door silver accord.  I am a blonde.  And today, I am a kitten killer.

Other than that last one, which was very sad (although my husband said I did a service to the world) these are all good things.  BUT my identity or purpose cannot be found in them.  And here's why: ALL of these things can pass away.

My hard drive crashed this last week.  I lost A LOT of photography work and pictures of Hudson.  And it has been heartbreaking and so frustrating.  I keep kicking myself, living in a state of regret, thinking why didn't I pause for a minute and back up all of those files.  And as little as this is in the scheme of what people have to deal with it has been a huge reminder that nothing in this life is constant or forever.  Nothing except for THE LORD!

If I place my identity in anything other than being IN CHRIST then it becomes idolatry.  Do I care about being a photographer more than being IN CHRIST?  Do I care about my son or my husband more than being IN CHRIST? And on a very personal note, do I care about pleasing people more than being IN CHRIST?   If so, then I am an idolater.  And to be honest, I confess that I am.

Right in the midst of working through all this, I had the wonderful opportunity to sit in on a Catalyst Conference session by Mark Driscoll.  And guess what he spoke on? Identity.  (God is so cool like that!)  Here are a few things he said that resonated with me. 
1. "If you know who you are, then you know what to do." If I know and believe what God says about me the Godly actions will follow.  When I became a mom I figured out that when Hudson is crying it is my job to make sure he is taken care of.  I know I am his mom and so the actions follow. If I know and truly believe that I am a loved and cherished daughter of the King then ideally I will act like one. (Thank God for grace, right?)
 2. "We need an identity that is lifeproof."  Life is going to throw some crazy stuff at us and if we know that our identity is found in Christ then we know that everything in this life is fading (even that little kitten I ran over with my car) and we know that this is not our final home.   Instead of "living for today" we should live for eternity.  Personally, I like the eternal living perspective much better.  It makes it easier to not get caught up in the drama of life because you know it's fleeting.  And although things may be frustrating/dramatic/scary in the moment, it is not forever.
3.  "Our identity is not acheived, it's received." - Wow! That totally takes the pressure off.  God sees me (and you, if you are in Christ) as righteous, holy. blameless, beautiful, forgiven, and so much more not because of ANYTHING I have done but ONLY because of what JESUS has already done! Why do you think Jesus said, "IT IS FINISHED"? Because it IS finished! Praise the LORD!

I still don't have this fully figured out and I am thankful that God loves me enough to not expect me to be perfect at this just because He is teaching it to me now.  He is very gracious.  If you need to read more about who you are check out Ephesians. It is FULL of statements about who God says we are.  Also, you can check out Connection Point Church in Plano, TX.  The next sermon series is called "I know You are, but who am I?"  It's gonna be good!
And so this is my prayer:
Lord, please help me to see myself like You see me.  Help me to identify when I am believing a lie instead of Your Truth about me.  Give me the wisdom and grace to teach this to my son.  Thank you for allowing me to be a part of Your family and for loving me unconditionally.  I am blown away by it! Please help the people that I love to believe what you say about them too. God you are SO good! Thank you, thank you, thank you! In Jesus' Name, Amen

 ** And just to clarify, I accidentally ran over a kitten with my car.  By no means, did I purposefully kill the kitten.  And it was very sad.  
** If you are a photography client of mine I have already contacted those that I need to rebook sessions with.  If you haven't heard from me then you are good.

visiting alabama

This last week Joey, Hudson and I along with my parents and Mikayla drove to Birmingham, AL to visit my grandparents and my uncle kevin and his family.  This was our first road trip with Huds and so we decided to drive through the night so he could sleep the whole time.  Hudson was a rock star and did awesome but it kicked the rest of our butts and Joey and I are still trying to recover from the lack of sleep.  But it was a sweet time with family.

The main reason for this trip was to spend some time with my Papa and my Grammy, who was diagnosed a few years ago with Dementia   She hasn't been doing very well lately and was longing to meet her first great grandson.  So we loaded up and made the trip.  It was so fun to watch my Papa and Grammy love on Hudson and share their excitement over meeting their first great grandson.  They wanted to show him off to all of their friends and even showed him off to some strangers.  But it was also heartbreaking to see my Grammy not always fully understand who Hudson was.  She loved him regardless and followed him around relentlessly, always making sure he was ok.  She smiled a lot, giggled at his sweet little faces and, in true grandma fashion, pinched his cheeks every chance she could.

It's hard to see someone you love so much go through this but it was so beautiful to watch my Papa love her so well through it.  He is patient, kind and understanding. He is helpful and affirming.  And he continued to speak his love for her openly in front of his family.

My favorite thing though was hearing my Grammy laugh and watching her dance.  She has always been a joy filled woman with a great love for music, and I love that this disease has not robbed her of that.  I am thankful for the wonderful God loving woman that she is and for the sweet time we had with her this week.  Here are some pictures from the week.  (Sorry for the quality.  They are just phone pictures.)

It's been a year...

A year ago today Joey and I were anxiously waiting for our very first sonogram. I was particularly nervous about this doctors visit because just 4 months earlier I had a miscarriage. This would be the first time we would hear our baby's heartbeat and I knew that if our baby was healthy that the chances of having another miscarriage would go down significantly.

My doctor is so wonderful and got to the sono very quickly. If you have had this sono before you know that usually you see the heartbeat before you hear it. When we saw that beautiful little heartbeat we were overjoyed! It was surreal to know that a living being was being formed and growing inside my body. And now it's been a whole year and we have a precious 4 and a half month old little boy who brings joy to our lives.

God's Provision

This morning I was thinking on how God has provided for my family since Hudson has been here and I was blown away.  God has always been faithful in His provision of my family.  I can't tell you how many times I was beyond worried about my own finances or the finances of our family, but without fail God has ALWAYS shown up and provided above and beyond in this area! And He has proven Himself again with the birth of our sweet baby boy! I believe that God's provision in this area is so incredible that I had to share.  Hence, the new Williams family blog. :) 

First, you need to know that Joey and I made a decision a little over a year ago to get on board with an "insurance" ministry called Samaritan Ministries.  It would require us to become cash pay patients and we would be a part of a Christian co-op of sorts to pay for our medical bills.  You can check it out here.  I had read wonderful stories about pregnancy bills being completely taken care of through this ministry and as we began talking about having kids this looked like the way to go.  (Side note: When I called to start the needs process for my pregnancy the man in charge of my account prayed for Joey and me and the pregnancy over the phone.  I was beyond blessed!) 

Right after Hudson was born, while we were still in the hospital a financial lady from the hospital came in to see us.  Because we were cash pay patients (without insurance) she asked if we wanted to apply for financial assistance. We went ahead and did it.  Once we were home and I was going through all of the medical bills I decided to call the hospital to check on our application.  The sweet lady on the other end of the phone told me that they had just processed our application and we were approved for FULL FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE!  I was shocked and began to cry. Thousands of dollars in bills were going to be covered by the hospital!  With that incredible provision and the Christian men and women that are a part of Samaritan Ministries I can say that we have absolutely no medical debt from Hudson's birth.  

And that is just the beginning, through our amazing friends and family who showered us with gifts before Hudson was even here, in over 4 months we have yet to buy diapers or wipes.  We were provided with everything (and more) that we needed for Hudson's nursery, including a hand me down crib that was in perfect condition, beautiful homemade and unique crib bedding, a recovered glider, and many more creative things that were put together with love by family and friends.  We received a great deal on a 4 door car that would be much more user friendly with a car seat than my little 2 door car.   We are blessed with free child care from my mom and mother in law 2 days a week so I can teach voice lessons and help with our family budget.  (I don't think they enjoy watching their grandson at all. *wink wink*) And I could go on and on.... 

I am in awe of how God has used our community to take care of our needs.  I believe with all of my heart that my God is a PROVIDER!  He loves His children and wants good for them! There is nothing Joey and I have done to deserve all that God has done for us BUT because of God's great love for us He has poured out his blessings.  His provision isn't just about finances.  He gives comfort, wisdom, resources, fellowship, and so much more.  And it's all for His glory!